I used to tell myself that if my kids asked me where they came from, I would know the right answer. Something smart, cool, and unique at the same time.
When my parents told my younger brother about it, I remember being scared and knowing I wanted to do something different.
But while we were outside roasting s’mores, Katie, my four-year-old daughter, looked up at me with the innocent wonder of a kid.
“Mommy,” she said slowly, as if she were trying to be careful with her words.
“All right, Katie?” I asked, already confused because I knew that when my child called me that, it would make me laugh.
She smiled as she took a bite of her Smore and let the chocolate run down her little fingers.
She asked her mom, “Mommy, how did I look?” with a voice full of shock.
“Show up?” I asked, hoping that I wouldn’t need a smart answer right away.
She asked, “Where did I come from?” as she grabbed another marshmallow.
I was unsure. I always thought the creation question came later, so I didn’t know how to explain it to a four-year-old.
I stole my mother’s line because of this.
“Well, my sweetheart, when Dad and I fell in love, we planted a seed.” “Not long after that, you were born,” I told her, trying not to laugh at myself.
Almost like a tree? She asked, “A seed for a tree?” and her simple question broke my heart.
“Exactly like a tree,” I agreed.
“Could you plant one more seed, Mom?” “I wish I had a little brother,” Katie said.
I couldn’t stop laughing at my daughter’s hopeful smile.
“Maybe, honey. “We’ll see,” I said, stroking her hair. “We need to talk to Dad about it.”
“Will Dad be home soon?” she asked.
Soon after, I put Katie to bed, glad to see that the sweets didn’t bother her.
I thought about what it would be like to have a second child while I washed the dishes. Katie and the new child would be the perfect age gap.
I spoke into the empty kitchen, “But I don’t think Sam wants another baby.” “He just got home.”
After about a week, when Sam took Katie home from her grandmother’s house, I forgot about the talk. Gloria, Sam’s mom, lived close by, and she would often pick up Katie from school or just bring her home to treat her.
I was shocked by Katie’s lack of experience with life that afternoon, though. It broke my world into sharp pieces.
My sweet daughter came up to me and asked to play dolls with me.
When we walked into her room, she said, “Mommy.”
“Why is Granny so mad about the seed?” asked Mom. She told him.
I had no idea what my kid was talking about. We hadn’t talked about the chat since then.
Are you Katie? What are you talking about? I asked in a tense voice.
She brushed a doll as she played with it.
“When Dad went into the kitchen to get me from Granny’s, he asked for coffee. It was then that I heard Granny yell at him.
I asked, “What were you doing?” I asked because I hoped Katie hadn’t been around anything bad.
She said, “I was watching TV,” but then she couldn’t remember what she had been watching.
“Darling, why were they yelling?” So I asked.
“Granny says Dad should have been more careful when planting a seed in that woman. Who is that woman?” She asked, and as she spoke, her voice sounded terrifying.
Katie looked up into my eyes and tried to figure out how to fix the confusion she saw there.
“Are you sure Granny said that?” So I asked.
They said, “Yes, Mommy,” with a big sigh. “The woman will tell everyone about that.”
The room whose name is “Reality slipping away from me”
Sam.
While I played with our child, my husband and business partner worked in the living room. He broke our family and our vows. And not in a way that makes sense.
That night, while I was making dinner, I kept an eye on Sam. He didn’t know that Katie had heard him and Gloria talking. Katie loved Sam even though she wasn’t honest with him like she was with me.
She was used to him being away from us because he worked so much.
Now I thought about how many late nights were because of work.
Say, “Honey?” When Sam called, it woke me up from my dream.
“Yes?” I tried not to lose my cool as I called out.
He said, “Mom sent you some pie; it’s in the fridge,” and then he went back to his computer.
How does he make it happen? I thought. He can’t just sit there and act like he doesn’t have a baby coming.
Katie ate her whole dinner and then lied to get ice cream for dessert. As usual, Sam was busy and kept checking his phone a lot, as if he was waiting for an important call or message.
I couldn’t wait to get his phone.
I went up to Sam after Katie was asleep that night.
We got angry with each other because of the accusations I made against him.
Sam was sitting down with his hands on his head.
“How possibly could you?” I said while breaking.
Sam winced, and guilt was written all over his face.
“Kristen, I messed up. In simple terms, it was a bad move. I promise it didn’t mean anything at all.
Sam, you made a mistake when you forgot to get milk. “Not if you want to build a life with someone after having an affair with them!” As I spat, unpleasant taste filled my mouth.
He put out his hand, but I turned away.
He begged, “Please tell me, honey.” “I’ll do anything to make things right!”
“Hey Sam, how are you? How might you be able to fix this?
I had tears running down my face.
Is it true that you knew I was going to talk to you about having another child? So I asked.
I meant to hurt him. It was important to me that he felt the same amount of loss, betrayal, and permanent pain as I did.
When I told Sam that I thought we might want to have another child, he hadn’t said anything. The next day, I took Katie to my mother-in-law’s house in the hopes that she could tell me more.
“How did you learn?” Gloria asked if. “Did he finally say it?”
“Katie did,” I said for sure.
I liked how Katie quickly went into the living room and turned on the TV. I had some things I wanted to ask Gloria.
I told her, “Katie heard you and Sam talking yesterday.” “However, I didn’t know he was having any problems.” He always seemed like his work was the most important thing to him.
“I just recently found out,” Gloria said. “I told him he had to be honest with you.” And that I would give him a chance to do so; if he didn’t, I would tell you directly.”
“Do you know who she is?”
She shook her head and filled the kettle.
“I don’t know the specifics.” She told him not long ago that she was pregnant, and he didn’t know what to do.
I asked, “What do you think we should do?”
“Hey honey, I got Sam’s dad a divorce after he had an affair.” I’m not telling you to do the same. But what I’m saying is that some betrayals are just too deep. He is my son, that much I know. which meant I should cheer for him. But when he told me, all I could think about was the time I saw my husband with his woman and her huge stomach.
I thought about what Gloria was trying to say and whether her words had any secret meaning.
“How about Katie?” I asked because I needed help badly. “She does not know some facts.” She knows that I am the one carrying the child.”
“Kristen, please put your child first. Remember, though, that you will have to deal with the consequences as well.
Katie looked out the window at the sun going down while we drove in peace.
When we got home, I didn’t know what to say or do next. I sat down at the kitchen table.
I no longer loved Sam after he told me the truth. Is it really that bad if our marriage ends too? It looked like it was over. He had been looking for comfort somewhere other than with us.
Katie got on my lap and wrapped her little arms around me.
“Mommy, don’t be sad,” she told her. “One hundred million times I love you.”
I groaned and held on to her.
Katie’s purity had shown me how hard reality really is, but her love had also helped me remember how strong I am. I was sure that Sam and I could handle the unknown future with her by our side.
Katie and I needed to start over.
