Dear Wife,
I’m writing this letter to let you know that I’m leaving you for good. Seven years of trying to be a good husband have come to nothing. These last two weeks have been unbearable. The final straw was when your boss called to say you quit your job. Last week, I tried to surprise you with a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore new silk boxers. But you barely noticed. You ate quickly and went straight to bed after watching your soaps. You don’t say you love me anymore, and there’s no intimacy left between us. I can’t take it anymore. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me. Either way, I’m leaving. Your now ex-husband.
P.S. Don’t bother looking for me. I’m moving to West Virginia with your sister! Have a nice life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Receiving your letter made my day! Yes, we’ve been married for seven years, but let’s be clear: you’ve never been the perfect husband you claim. I watch my soaps to escape your constant complaining. And about that haircut? I did notice, but I refrained from commenting because my mom taught me not to say anything if it’s not nice. As for the meal, I haven’t eaten pork in years. And those silk boxers you wore? They still had the price tag on them—$49.99. Coincidentally, my sister Carla borrowed $50 from me that very morning.
Despite all this, I still loved you and thought we could work it out. I even won $10 million in the lottery and planned a trip to Jamaica for us. But when I got home, you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I suppose. I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for. By the way, my lawyer said your letter ensures you won’t see a penny from me.
Best wishes,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich and Free!
P.S. Just so you know, my sister Carla was born Carl. Hope that’s not an issue for you.
